Practice Positive Discipline & Strive for Balance in Personal and Family Life
Following the Principles: Parts 7 & 8 in a series of 8
Baby Lazlo~ 1/6/10 ~ 11lbs~ 23"long ~ Born Safely at Home!
Now that we have finally welcomed our newest addition— an 11lb son named Lazlo who was born safely at our home — I can take the time to sit down and write again. The swelling and the restlessness of late pregnancy made computer time just one more form of torture in a sea of physical discomforts. Fortunately, those discomforts are behind me now (although I vow to never, ever forget the challenges of the third trimester, just in case I am ever stricken with Baby Fever again years from now) and my recovery has been a joyous time of healing, snuggling, nursing and marveling. Well…for the most part.
Our first tandem nursing session a few minutes after Lazlo's birth.
There, of course, is my sweet little 22-month-old T-Bird to deal with. While she is thrilled that there is breastmilk on the menu again, she is not as enthusiastic about her new little brother trying to enjoy that milk–with or without her. Nursing them together is a terrific way to get a worry-free 20-minute power-nap, but can also backfire and result in T-Bird’s numerous attempts to unlatch the baby, to poke him the eye, to cover his face with a blanket, to elbow him… fun times. So then, I will go with the other extreme and nurse T-Bird first, or nurse her in another room, or nurse her after I get Lazlo to sleep. She then proceeds to spend that time constantly unlatching and relatching asking “Where’s Lazlo? Baby wants nursie?” while pulling, scratching and patting the unoccupied breast…more fun times. Not to mention the all-new behaviors when we are not nursing—throwing, hitting, screeching, drawing on walls, stomping food into the carpets.
Big Sister Bug is smitten with our new little guy.
Needless to say, the frustration level for everyone has risen sharply and words like “No!” “Don’t!” and “Stop” are being heard way more often than I am comfortable with around our cozy home. It is so effortless to simply be angry and frustrated with T-Birds anger and frustration. We’ve done all the “right things” and followed all the the advice about preparing her, preparing our house, preparing things for her to do. We even recognize and accept that reversion to baby-like behaviors is perfectly normal — Sir Hubby happily slings T-Bird and rocks her to sleep and we’ve allowed her to move back into our bed at night. So what gives? She still seems frustrated, angry, and unhappy. The new baby is getting poked and prodded and left to cry longer than I would like so that I can deal with T-Bird’s behaviors. I am feeling racked with guilt—I am not providing the level of care and attention that I feel our newborn needs, nor is T-Bird getting what she needs to be the pleasant, happy, generous little person she was just a week ago. This is our very first time having two children so close in age, we expected it to be more difficult, but did not expect it to be so emotionally trying to see one of our most cherished family members acting so hurt and frustrated. Our older children always welcomed their new siblings with loving acceptance. Clearly, if there is to be any balance in our home ever again, we have to begin practicing positive discipline at its very finest and help T-Bird deal with her negative emotions and her worries about having a new baby in the house!
So, in addition to all of the new responsibilities of having two under two, Sir Hubby and I are busy busting out our best discipline resources: Attached at the Heart. Unconditional Parenting. Connection Parenting. The Discipline Book by Dr Sears. Sure, as the parents to five children, we are familiar with all of the techniques, but while under stress, even the most
Big Sister Ella gives T-Bird some love during Lazlo's birth
practiced positive discipline advocates may need a refresher course. We find ourselves rewinding a hundred times a day– magically turning “Stop that!” into “I see that you are curious about your brother’s eyes. But it hurts him to have them touched. What body parts do we all have in common? Let’s sing Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes together! But there are plenty of times that even our best efforts fall short and we have a screaming, thrashing toddler and a screaming, wailing newborn. The very scenario I was dreading all through the pregnancy!
Our precious new boy!
It has been less than two weeks since Lazlo was born, so we don’t expect a miraculous turn-around in T-Birds behavior. I have a postpartum doula who is helping me to design a daily routine to hopefully accommodate all of the family members and to allocate my resources more appropriately so that everyone’s needs are met (including my own). We have a wonderful support system of friends and family who have descended upon us and stocked our freezer. We are as blessed as a family could be and know that our children have the type of secure attachments that will see them through this transition. But knowing something on an intellectual level and feeling it in your heart are two different things and I worry that we may never see our incredibly sweet-natured little girl again!
So, Momma’s with kids close in age…what secrets can you share with me? What resources were invaluable to you? What tools worked? And how did you keep yourself taken care of when so many people were making demands of your body, mind and time?
Oh, Justine! I so feel for you…I could have written this post 5 years ago, minus the older kids, of course. It was just me, a newborn, a 22 month old, a new house, and a new job for my hubby that took him away more than allowed him here to help…
And I’ll start by saying that my fussy, stressed, toddler at that time is now my sweet, empathetic, caring, kind, and gentle 7 yr. old
The hardest part for me was weaning her. I got to resent all of her demands (nursey, NOW! Veggie Tales NOW! Crackers NOW!) and so I began to resent nursing her literally on DEMAND. She took it easier than me…who was in tears. I think she noticed that I didn’t yell as much at her, and I was willing to comfort her in other ways…
We also lost nap time, sadly, as she didn’t sleep when she didn’t nurse. But in just a few months (I weaned her two months after the baby was born, and it was about two months after that) things DID settle down. The baby was big enough for her to get a reaction out of him (a POSITIVE reaction, that is!) And she became his own personal little sunshine
Those first few months were some of the worst of my mothering life, I won’t lie. But we just kept reassuring our oldest, we did everything we COULD do for her, and there WERE many times when the baby cried as I had to help her out, which I also felt bad about. After all, when it was just one baby, I could just hold her any time she cried…not so when you have two who need you
You are doing all the right things, and it feels weird to even try to give you advice when you’ve been a mama for much longer than I have! But I will say that having my children close together has been SO difficult for the short term, but SO worth it in the long run. Those two have been inseparable…they share most of the time, and when they do fight, it doesn’t last long. People have asked me if THEY are twins
So hang in there. The tears will come, the aches of not being able to meet every need as you’d like will still be there, but you do the best you CAN do, and know that just by being the best you can, there will be a time when it will come together again. I promise
Deb
I counted on my friends a lot. They cooked for me and took my oldest daughter out for playdates once in awhile. I counted on my husband to do a lot of the cooking for the first little while and was thankful that while I assumed my 2 1/2 yr old would be jealous of her new sister, she actually enjoyed sharing her milkies with her.