Nonetheless, even while in the depths of this blissful symbiotic relationship of supply and demand—ebb and flow—providing and consuming—we doubt ourselves. We worry. We question everything. We get sucked up into the drama. Is my baby getting enough? Is my latch correct? Am I balancing the needs of my baby and also of my body? Is it okay to nurse in public? How can I help my mother-in-law understand why this is important to me? How do I deal with criticism about how long I am nursing? Why do decent nursing bras cost so much?

Bug and Food...a complicated relationship!

Now, flash forward to solid foods. To cereal or not to cereal? Avocado or chickpeas? Will this cause food allergies? Does this have high fructose corn syrup in it? Does Red dye really matter? Is organic better than local? More questions. More doubts.

Add in a picky eater to this equation and now you have all of the questions about food mixed in with all of the challenges of discipline. Nothing sparks a power struggle faster than dealing with a crying, kicking, screaming kiddo who is starving but won’t eat what they have in front of them.

Now, add ALL of those problems on top of a child who has a sensory processing disorder or falls on the Aspergers spectrum somewhere. The smell of all but the most bland of foods is so over powering it can cause nausea. Food textures conjure up descriptive terms like sandpaper, fiberglass and slime. Seemingly perfectly reasonable food tastes odd—the mac & cheese tastes like soap— the eggs taste like metal– the yogurt tastes spicy. They only want one food. They can’t have that food and this food at the same meal. Single ingredient meals. No sauce. No spice. No blending. There are plenty of days when even the most patient and tolerant of parents just lose it (like me). Especially the days before you understand what your child is going through. It is easy to think that they are just being difficult, or stubborn, or manipulative. Especially with all of the voices of the Ghosts of Dinner Past from your own childhood whispering in your ear:

“You can’t leave the table until you have finished your veggies!”

“You’ll go to bed hungry!”

“Clean your plate!”

or  everyone’s favorite; “There are starving children in <insert third-world country here> who would be grateful for this meal!”

“If you eat everything on your plate, we’ll go get ice-cream!”

“If you don’t eat this, we will NOT go get ice cream!”

“Seriously, we will NEVER get ice cream ever again. Ever.”

“Can you finish just three more bites?”

“How ’bout one more bite of the green stuff?”

I could fill a book with what all of that is probably doing to kids (someone already has, I am sure of it). I sure know that I have a horrible love/hate relationship with food, a body that doesn’t use food efficiently, and a taste for things that are, frankly, very unhealthy for me. But that is not today’s post. Today, I want to talk about Bug and the relationship between her food and her behaviors.

If you’ve ever spent any time with our family, you’ve probably shared a meal or a snack with us. (And in the case of a few select friends, you may have been the victim of Food Theft—an inexplicable phenomenon marked by the disappearance of all–not some—but ALL of your banana’s, strawberries, and apple’s while my children are visiting your home. You know who you are. I owe you some fruit). So, you may have suspected that it can be a little chaotic to feed a family as large and as diverse as ours. And that we don’t have a fortune to throw away on food each month. I am sure that it comes as no surprise that we put a lot of time and thought into what we eat, where we get it from, and what it costs. Buying food no one will eat, that doesn’t pack a nutritional punch, or that is too complicated to prepare is a waste of our time and resources. We find a lot of inspiration from our subscription to Vegetarian Times. We share recipes and ideas with friends and family. We are blessed to have a wide-variety of whole and organic food choices to work with. With that being said, however, we still have the seemingly never-ending frustration of finding ways to get Bug, our 6 year old, to eat healthy foods.

Bug is challenged by many of the symptoms of Sensory Processing Disorder, especially the ones concerning food and smells. Her symptoms cause her to be a picky eater. Her picky eating has probably caused some nutritional deficiencies. It is likely that her nutritional deficiencies are exasperating her symptoms. And ’round we go. We are hoping that her issues are as easy to fix as learning some new recipes and cutting out some common culprits in the food-behavior chain. We do eat fairly healthy compared to the folks Jamie Oliver is dealing with. But we still enjoy a box of donut holes on Sunday mornings once in awhile (hello deep fried junk). And there are still some colorful dyes and high fructose nastiness lingering around in a few of our dirty-little-secret snacks (The first ingredient in Cherry Twizzlers is HFCS…and that bright red color is not from a natural source, sorry to say) . But for the most part we enjoy plenty of whole grains, a variety of  local vegetables, fresh herbs, organic fruit, and “from scratch” goodies.

I had told myself that we would give Bug until the age of 7 to see if her emotional and behavioral issues evened out when her development was a little more advanced and she ready for more complex learning situations. We decided to homeschool her because of these concerns. We are approaching 7 in just a few months, and Bug’s behaviors, although changing in complexity and specifics, have not really improved significantly. So now the serious phase begins and we are committing to cutting out those few lingering no-no’s…eliminate the HFCS for real. Say goodbye to dyes…even for special occasions. Embrace the fact that many children with behavioral issues are suffering from food allergies…like wheat, gluten, and corn. We are amping up her green foods, calcium, and good fats to flush out lingering toxins and heavy metals. We’ve done these things in the past, for a few weeks, or until we fell off the wagon, or until Halloween–whichever happened first. This time, I am hoping that we have reached a place where making these changes will be more compatible with our lifestyle then they were before. Everyday, we become more and more committed to making positive and healthy changes in our lives since Sir Hubby’s father became ill last summer. Not just in our food, but in the way that we think, the way we interact with the world around us, with the community we live in. But those are all posts for another day…

So, we begin our serious journey into better health for Bug today…and hopefully a healthier relationship for all of us!

"Your baby is so content! What is your secret?"

Parenting can bring out some pretty big emotions. Nothing kicks off a debate between adults quicker than the implication that YOUR/THEIR parenting philosophies might be half-baked…or wrong…or questionably legal…or safe. Say one of these words loudly at the mall, at your next family reunion, or at the office get-together: Circumcision. Co-sleeping. Breastfeeding. Spanking. Childbirth. These simple words can evoke so many different feelings depending on who you are talking to: Guilt. Pride. Jealousy. Regret. Joy.

But the feelings that I am trying to cultivate more in myself are: Empathy and Humility.

I recently watched the film Away We Go. Let me say first: I really loved it. Let me say secondly: I only knew the bare minimum about it, I had not read reviews or viewed any trailers for it. And finally, let me say: the scene about AP values really stung when I first saw it. Here is a clip from that scene. And another. Go ahead and watch them if you have not seen the film. Here is the trailer if you want to get an overview of the whole thing. I’ll wait.

The film depicted several families and several different parenting styles. There was the disrespectful family who seemed to believe that their children were deaf and dumb. There was the super-crunchy AP family. There was the open-arms adopt-a-lot-of-kids rainbow family. The single-parent family. It was very easy for Sir Hubby and I to scoff, guffaw, and feel superior when the disrespectful family was on the screen. What kind of jerks treat their kids like that! But there was an awkward silence in the room when the AP value family came on. Mostly it was quiet because Sir Hubby had fallen asleep. But also, because I could easily identify ALL of our AP values being depicted by these characters. At first, a sort of pride welled up in me…

Hooray for AP values being shown in a movie! Extended breastfeeding! Babywearing! Family bed! Doula’s! Yippeeee!

But then I realized that the film was not praising those choices, but depicting them as kinda crazy. Kinda over-the-top. Kinda awful. The pregnant couple shouts at the AP family, calls them horrible names, and finally flees the house.

Whoa. I start warming my fingers up to draft a strongly worded letter to the writers:

How dare you! Babywearing this! Family bed that! Baby-led breastfeeding this! Don’t you know that studies have shown that AP…

Wait a minute. THIS is what the writers of the film were making fun of! The passionately snobby caricature of AP parents. They were showing how non-AP parents are meant to feel when smug-AP parents berate them or humiliate them or shame them for not being superior enough to make the choice to AP immediately and instinctively. And maybe we don’t do it on purpose…but whenever we proclaim that our way is the best way– the ONLY way– if you want healthy kids, happy kids,  gentle kids, smart kids, compassionate kids, then we have not turned someone on to AP…we have chased them away. They are fleeing the house just like the couple in the movie did.

Similar to my choice in clothes, my hairstyle, and my favorite music or wine— I think that my parenting preferences are the best ones. Dare I say– the correct ones. I see the benefits of my choices and have become quite comfortable with them. However, it is all too easy to become smug and (just a little more than) a tad self-satisfied with my choices when I allow myself to forget that it has taken me 21 years of parenting to get to this place. I did not start out my parenting journey as smoothly as I would have liked. I made choices that I now regret having made. I have put a lot of time and effort into not repeating my previous parenting mistakes. I do feel that the things my older children missed out on, they were lucky enough to be able to experience through watching me practice it with their younger siblings. I have certainly been sliding much more to the way-out-there side of the  spectrum in the past few years by having a VBAC home birth in 2008 and another earlier this year while practicing tandem nursing. We’ve even got the 100-inches of family bed going on now (that’s a lot of bed, folks). These are things that I am perfectly comfy with now, but might have raised an eyebrow at even a decade ago. Parenting is a lifelong process and we continue to learn along the entire journey. You are not the same parent today that you will be in 20 years.

I can attest that exactly zero of my positive parenting choices were made because someone bullied me into making them. I am sure that there are plenty of people who see my hair, my taste in clothes, music or wine and think “What is she thinking??” and that is okay because I am the one living  with the consequences of those choices and we are all allowed to make our mistakes and labor under our own delusions about stuff like that. It is a little trickier with parenting. Particularly attachment parenting. I buy into the philosophy that AP could change the world. I honestly believe that it is the key to creating a better society for our children to raise their children in. So, it is a little harder to stand by the sidelines and watch someone make parenting choices that I believe are perpetuating the not-so-great elements in our current culture. But, the best students are the ones who want to learn. There is no greater compliment than someone approaching me and saying “Your baby is so content! What is your secret?” My answer: Simply loving my baby! Just the same way you love your baby. I have some tools that make it simpler to live my life and love my baby at the same time. I’m happy to share them!

Let’s make sure that we are not the AP family in the film, folks! Be generous, kind, and genuine when you discuss AP. Respond with sensitivity to everyone you talk to about parenting. Remember that they are not at the same place on their parenting journey, but that does not mean one of you is further along while the other one is behind. What are some ways that you share your parenting wisdom without turning people off? What was the AP  “jumping-off point” for your family? If you could get families to embrace just ONE AP principle, what would it be?

“…these particular brands were created in a response to a trend, without much if any real research, and without a fundamental belief in babywearing as a practice.”

I completely agree that they are probably an ignorantly-executed attempt to get the Big Box Store Crowd on the sling bandwagon after some junior executive saw a picture of a celebrity wearing their baby in a sling on some magazine at the checkout line.

Most upsetting was the steaming pile of crap that came out of the mouth of Don Mays from Consumer Reports on CBS’s The Early Show:

“Don’t use slings at all,” Mays recommends. “There are safer ways of carrying your baby than in a sling.”

Mr. Mays. Ahem. You might want to get your facts straight. For the 10 year time period between 1995-2005, there were 22 stroller-related deaths for children under the age of 5 reported to CPSC. A majority of these deaths involved suffocation, entrapment or positional asphyxiation of an infant. 3x the amount of death in less time. And the leading item that injures and kills babies? INFANT CAR SEATS AND CARRIERS (and that EXCLUDES automobile accident related incidents). 14 deaths in 20 years from slings…meanwhile 182 children were KILLED by improper car seat/carrier use in only 2 years. And 65 infants died from CRIB related accidents. So it sounds to me that slings might be one of the most safe ways to carry your baby.

The CPSC does clarify that:

many of the babies who died in slings were either a low birth weight twin, were born prematurely, or had breathing issues such as a cold. Therefore, CPSC urges parents of preemies, twins, babies in fragile health and those with low weight to use extra care and consult their pediatricians about using slings.

By all means, let’s please include warnings that your sling is a parenting tool, not a replacement for common sense and observation…but saying that no one should ever use a sling is NOT a reasonable recommendation on the part of the CPSC or Consumer Reports. Shame on them.

It is well documented that baby wearing has numerous benefits for both babies and parents. Babywearing is a world-wide parenting tool. Babywearing is a centuries old tradition. Yet, we  wore our baby to the grocery store early today, and I could feel people’s eyes on me…sending out judgey vibes…trying to warn me that I was KILLING MY BABY by giving me withering glares because they watched a 1-minute spiel on The Early Show and can now smugly claim to have been schooled in babywearing by the incredibly informed Mr Mays. Sigh. Usually, I love educating people about the benefits of slings, and usually my happy babies are the best endorsement for them. Now I will have to spend my time convincing people that my baby can breathe and that I am coordinated enough to avoid walking him face-first into the steam table at the Hot Asian Food Bar at Wegman’s. Dammit.

Well, I can just show them this vide0…or invite them to come to a babywearing seminar. What babywearing seminar, you ask? The one that I will offer for free to anyone who wants to learn more about slings. Call me. Text me. Email me. Facebook me. SERIOUSLY.

1) The Planet Wise Wet/Dry Bag does not suck!

2) The delivery guy from Hungry Howies did not suck!

3) The new coffee Sir Hubby bought did not suck!

4) The Vegetarian Times does not suck!

5) Thirsties diaper covers do not suck!

6) Home made ginger, lemon, sugar and olive oil body scrub does not suck!

7) Keri Moore’s Vacuum does not suck!

8 ) The film, Sunshine Cleaners, does not suck!

9) D, L & E do not suck! (and are very generous people)

10) The store, Recycled Memories in Kane PA, does not suck!

11) Postpartum doula’s do not suck!

12) The Wal-Mart Photo center does not suck!

13) Making wallets out of orange juice cartons does not suck!

14) Using Brain Quest Workbooks for homeschool does not suck!

15) Aqua Gems do not suck!

16) Kelley and Kevin’s ‘Congratulations’ card does not suck!

17) Amber teething necklaces do not suck!

18) His Holiness the Dalai Lama talking about the nature of forgiveness does not suck!

19) The pilot for Caprica did not suck!

20) Lalzo’s smiles do not suck!

21) Mathilda’s vocabulary does not suck!

22) Eudora’s imagination does not suck!

23) Ella’s sense of compassion does not suck!

24) Brent’s cocky little smirk does not suck!

25) On the whole, life is pretty good and does not suck!

Erie Times Announcement

I am sure that it would come as no surprise to anyone to hear that our family doesn’t usually read the newspaper. Reading the news online just seems so much easier these days. It is greener. No stacks of newspapers to store until recycling day. I can choose what kinds of news (regional, national, international, politics, health…) I want to read and just skip over the stuff that doesn’t interest me (sports, comics, obituaries…) So why would  we care about going through all of the steps to make sure that our birth was listed in the newspaper?

Well, frankly, let me just say that I am a bit ashamed that we don’t read the newspaper. I think that our children could probably benefit from seeing us reading it and become inspired to read it themselves. Finding creative ways to reuse the newspaper seems like something our kiddos would be into as well…we  just saw a PBS special in which grade school kids made a fairly complex engineering project with newspapers and masking tape. Not to mention the glass cleaning properties or using it to stuff into wet boots in the winter. But I digress.

I was inspired by a friend of mine who had her homebirth announcement printed in the newspaper almost 2 years ago. It is assumed that a hospital birth will be printed in the paper. As a matter of fact, in 2003, when I had Bug, we had to choose to opt out of it while we were still at the hospital or else the information was going to be sent automatically when we were discharged. So earlier this month, when I called the newspaper about printing our birth announcement, the employee I was speaking to was very confused as to why the head nurse had not given me the form when I was discharged from the hospital even though I had already explained that we had our baby at home. Homebirth was just so far off of her radar that it took hearing it several times before she could understand what I meant. And even then, without the forms from the hospital she had no idea how to proceed with the information. It took a week of phone calls, emails and messages between our midwife, the newspaper and me to make it happen. It really struck me at that point: as normal and healthy as homebirth seemed to me, my family, and my circle of friends, the majority of the population still had almost no clue that it even existed! It is so easy to forget that it has taken me two decades, five babies, a dozen trainings and workshops, hundreds of books and videos, and thousands of websites and blogs to get to this place and that many people have never done more than take a hospital-sponsored childbirth preparation course.

So, did I place our announcement in the newspaper because I want all of our friends and family here in town to clip our announcement and glue it into a scrapbook next to a picture of our Little Chief? No. I did it to create a place in the newspaper where homebirthing families can choose to announce their birth right alongside hospital births. I did it so that all of the people who read the newspaper today will get to see the words Home Birth and perhaps have it infiltrate their subconscious so that it doesn’t sound as odd, or crazy, or irresponsible, or impossible, or as confusing as they thought it was yesterday. I did it so that we can publicly proclaim that homebirth is a safe and valid alternative to birthing in the hospital and deserves the same recognition. When a hosptial birth is printed, we have no idea what the circumstances of that particular birth were. However, when a homebirth is printed, there are certain assumptions that can be made about what the birth was not: we can count it as one more birth that was not surgical, medicated, or induced. It is one more piece of evidence that proves how safe birth can and should be.

I know that many fellow homebirthers tend to live a little off the grid, and like me, aren’t that tuned in to mainstream rituals, like reading birth announcements in the newspaper. I’m so very proud of how wonderfully healthy and happy our two homebirths have been and see no reason to keep it a secret. If we want more families to learn about all of their birthing options, then we have to be more willing to put our personal stories out there for others to learn from. I hope that more families will join me in making the Home Birth section of the birth announcements a regular part of our newspaper. As my friend, Bob (a devoted Daddy to a homebirthed babe) pointed out to me today, “the newspaper (any newspaper) is, to a degree, the official historical record of everything that happens in the town in which it is published,” and if we want history to be accurately recorded, then we owe it to ourselves and to our grandchildren to put homebirth front and center. Please contact me if you would like more information on who to contact if you would like to announce your homebirth in the paper, too!