I vacillate wildly between accepting that there is a plan and purpose to our time here on Earth…to the other extreme that there is only chaos unless we create order through our choices. So, as you can imagine, I have a hard time accepting change and loss and flux in my life. I either have an unseen, unknown Creator to blame. Or myself. And yes, I am totally oversimplifying for the sake of brevity. There are some nuanced and subtle variations of grey in these dichotomies at times. But for the most part I have struggled with finding meaning in loss. Unfairness really chaps my ass. Uncertainty invokes anxiety. I am not alone in these feelings, I think they may be the unofficial motto of all westerners. Hashtag First World Problems, amirite?
So of course I had to get out my Poor Me World-View Microscope™ to analyze our most recent pregnancy loss and find THE cause— THE reason —THE place to direct blame. After a hasty assessment, I had to come to the conclusion that the blame was with me: my age, my health, my greed and desire to have more blessings than I deserved. It was an easy conclusion to come to during a time of pain. The loss was an extremely difficult one: I had a 10-hour labor– without the help of Sir Hubby– alone with the kids. I had several incidents of severe hemorrhaging that left me rattled and weak. I was too light-headed to drive safely for some time. It was all of the worst aspects of bad timing for our family mixed with personal loss and coping with the unexpected.
But there were blessings woven within the pain as well: the outpouring of love from friends and family meant the world to me. I have no regrets about sharing our pregnancy news even though there was (and always is) the chance for a loss. We set up our village to be exactly that: a resource of acceptance and community during the joyous times and sharing the burden of the hard times.
What I didn’t expect was to have multiple opportunities fall into our laps directly following our loss. Plans for our future seemed pretty steady-as-she-goes: we would probably continue to live in our house…possibly buy it and build an addition if we needed to. We had given up finding our perfect home and property. Do What You Can, With What You Have, Where You Are felt like a sensible bet. Forever dreaming about our future while whittling away the joys of our today seemed silly in the face of having so many blessings in our lives: healthy kids, careers we thrive in, friends and family…our cups runneth’d over. We had even begun the process of figuring out what sort of an offer we would be putting in for our current home. We hired an appraiser, we were looking at zoning maps, we contacted the planning board to find out about fencing and building options. And while not overwhelmed with excitement about living here long-term, we began to fall into a comfort zone with the idea. It was prudent and safe and simple and we could ease into it as we welcomed a new baby without huge upheaval.
But then there was no more baby to plan for.
A few real estate listings crossed my path as I was recovering. Our good friends were on the lookout on our behalf as well. Sir Hubby followed up on every single one of them and we found them lacking in one way or another: too far away, no mineral rights, no internet service (Sir Hubby’s job depends on this, it IS what allows us to live the lifestyle we choose to live), or outrageous taxes. We felt like giving due diligence to looking one last time before we settled on staying was prudent. And I was feeling unsettled. Without a pregnancy to plan around, without a baby to plan for…our options just opened up again and maybe this house wasn’t the smartest option, just the safest one during a time when I felt vulnerable and sought security.
There was a place that had shown itself several times over the last year of property searching. The pictures of it were less than encouraging. The price was good but just slightly out of our reach. The location was iffy. It didn’t call to us in any way. We kept it on our list, but never followed up with it until after the loss. One visit and we knew we wanted it. A few days later, some amazing business opportunities literally knocked on Sir Hubby’s door. We are only at the halfway mark of both of these new endeavors. We have no proof that they will work out. We are uncertain about our future as of today. But I can’t help but recognize that none of these blessings would be on our radar without the loss that came before them. I would have been preparing for birthing and having a babymoon right now, not contemplating a total upheaval of our lives to renovate a one bedroom, one bath cabin into a home for our family. No way would I have told Sir Hubby to go for it when these new business ideas presented themselves. There is zero chance I would have consented to taking a leap of faith like this in both our home and our business lives at the same exact time if there was a baby in my belly or in my arms right now. I am just not wired to take chances when my hormones are on Full Throttle Maternal Mode.
I cannot say whether these events fall into the category of things that are happening TO us or BECAUSE of us. Did these blessing come to us because we have worked hard and sought them out? Are these rewards the natural consequence of the life we have been leading up until now? Are we just clued in to the type of opportunities that are more likely to work out? Was this always in the plans, but the universe knew I would not be on board with following through because of a new baby? I trust that these will be questions I ponder for some time to come. But there is a small part of me that somehow knows our baby decided to give us the time to figure it all out. We have been trying to have a new baby since last summer and have had 3 losses in that time. Consciously diverting my energy to being content and happy exactly where we are at didn’t give me the baby we were dreaming of. Instead, it gave us gifts we had given up as being options. Our loss has brought us an entirely different life to grow and nurture and pour our love into. We have given up on TTC for the time being. I do not know if we will revisit this in the months to follow or not. I have a feeling that like all of the incredibly meaningful blessings in my life, a new baby will most likely arrive when I am least likely to be planning for it.